Dairy: Day 9

I want capture a few thoughts I had on Sunday and voice them for myself as today’s morning Mental Bread. I realize that this mental conditioning is much harder than I gave it credit for and know that it’s something people take for granted because it’s not just about training for the 2 days during the event. Its more holistic, spiritual, and simply a lifestyle adaptation that you need to feel day in and day out in every aspect of your existence. I realize you can’t just have a fighting attitude during a moment because you will fissile out and your fire will eventually die. You need to develop a perpetual engine inside that you carry into everyday life. And the food for this engine has to be more than just what you want. It has to be something deeper. It has to be life sustaining. I admit that the material I have been reading lately has really helped me to recondition my aspect on life in addition to the counseling I have been going to. When I was on the treadmill yesterday for round 2 I felt my body getting complacent and for the first time felt the internal struggle where I was literally considering options to what I wanted to do in the moment. It was as if I left a door open in myself as if it may have been acceptable to change speeds or slow down or stop if my reason was good enough. Then I narrowed my focus and re- associated the run to the rock solid objective and like a light switch I forgot about any physical struggle I had. I did that twice yesterday like a switch, but I was only able to do that because I had a clear vision on where the end was. I don’t want to sabotage myself and review too much about my end game but just to confess that I was never really pushing myself for the event alone. Matter of fact I am indifferent about the event and honestly am using it as a vehicle to allow me to go on my own spiritual journey within myself for both closure and permission to start a new journey. I never been as focused and clear on what it is that I want. It’s not just about finishing. It’s about finishing to allow myself that moment to begin. Anyways, I just wanted to confess that my new beginning is hope and life changing within myself and my positive driver that gives me peace beyond finishing. I know this now because it cannot just be about finishing because once I finish, and I will, the ultimate question will be what next. I know what my what next is and it’s going to amazing.